Many people no longer know that Halloween is a Scottish invention. Just like television, penicillin and headbutting buses. In his inaugural Coolumn, the BrawBand Coo helps you celebrate “Samhain” the Scots way.
Och aye the Coo! And welcome to my new weekly Coolumn – an opportunity for me – the BrawBand Coo – to basically go full Jack and Victor on the things pertainin’ to the Scottish internet. This week, I’m turning my attention to Halloween – the Scottish invention that the Americans have somehow claimed as their own.
Ya see, Hallowe’en has its roots in Scotland’s *pre-Christian culture (*Editor’s Note: with the term pre-Christian, we do not mean Fife). The festival was originally known as Samhain – an opportunity to celebrate the dying of the light and the coming of the dark. Pretty much like your average episode of EastEnders, but with funny costumes.
So, as the unelected voice of the Scottish people, I would like to set the record straight on how best to celebrate things in Scotland come October the 31st.
NO MORE PUMPKINS. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO USE A NEEP!
The American pumpkin has become the sorry face of Halloween. This is totally wrong! It’s too orange and funny-lookin’, just like their former president. If you want to make a real scary face you need to get yourself a neep. Just go on Google and then model it on the first scary face you can find.
As you can see, this neep has been modelled on the one with the large forehead from Ant & Dec… and no, we’ve no idea which one of them is which either.
Just look at how scary that bugger is! You’ll save a fortune on sweeties when children are too terrified to come anywhere near the house.
IT’S NOT “TRICK OR TREAT”. IT’S GUISING
Once again, another Americanism. ‘Please help the guisers’ is the traditional Scots term said by children as they hassle you for sweets.
Fact is, we never used to hassle for sweets at all! We used to hassle folks for money. You still find many a Scot maintaining this fine tradition.
If you must resort to Americanisms this Halloween we advise this Dundonian housewife’s approach.
VISIT A TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH HAUNTED CASTLE
As is well known, Scotland has always been a land filled with magic, myths, and mystery.
Baldoon Castle in Dumfries and Galloway is famous for being haunted by the spirit of
Janet Dalrymple. According to legend, on her wedding night, Janet went insane and stabbed her husband several times.
In Paisley such activity could possibly be seen as an indicator it was time for the first dance and a lively jig to ‘Come on Eileen’.
Here’s a genuine image of the ruins of Baldoon castle that appears to be sending out a subliminal message.
Or you could try Newark Castle in Selkirk. In 1645, during the Wars of the Three Kingdoms, (Narnia, Mordor, and of course, Fife) 100 royalist followers of the Marquis of Montrose were shot in the barmkin of Newark and are said to haunt the place still.
I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure if the barmkin is a place or a fleshy part of the body near the bahookie.
OTHER SCARY THINGS TO DO IN SCOTLAND THIS HALLOWEEN
Run down the street in an England shirt shouting “Och Aye the Noo!”
Go to a bar in Glasgow and bring up the subject of Football.
If providing a service… refuse to accept payment in Scottish notes.
Anyway, that’s enough from me for now. Check back next week when I’ll be revealing how a train can be made more Scottish.
But for now, och aye the Coo!
