By the BrawBand Coo

In this week’s Coolumn, the BrawBand Coo takes a critical look at something that’s gone viral… and no, he’s not looking down his troosers.

Och aye the Coo! And welcome back to my weekly Coolumn – an opportunity for me – the BrawBand Coo – to basically go full Gordon Ramsay on the things pertainin’ to the Scottish internet. This week, I’m turning my attention to this video which went viral on the internet with some asking whether it’s the most Scottish train journey ever.

I dinnae think sae.

It’s a bit Scottish, but then so are most Americans. Here’s my idea of a train journey that’s so Scottish it could be your Granny’s at Hogmanay.

MAN IN BRAVEHEART MAKE UP

As you can see there we have a man in full William Wallace battle make up. Now, you probably think this person is off to some kind of rally. But that’s actually just how Gordon (a local accountant) likes to self-identify. His preferred pronouns are ‘free’ and ‘dom’ (or ‘free’ and ‘as long as one of us is left standing’ or ‘there can be only one’). 

TWO PEOPLE SHARING A BOTTLE OF WHISKY

And there we have a couple of Scots sharing a wee dram of whisky. It’s actually illegal to drink on some Scottish train services. It’s also illegal to storm the football pitch and steal the goalposts, but that hasn’t stopped us in the past.

SHREK

There we have Alex Salmond, oh no, hang on a minute, that’s actually Shrek. And he’s singing The Proclaimers’ “I’m on my way from misery to happiness today”. We’re guessing he’s just come back from supporting Dundee at the football.

SPACEMAN

And there’s the BrawBand Scots Spaceman. Obviously not the first Scots spaceman… that would be Scotty from Star Trek. That show was famous for Mr Spock’s pointy ears. Whereas, obviously, Scotty has engineers. As you can see there we have a man in full William Wallace battle make up. Now, you probably think this person is off to some kind of rally. But that’s actually just how Gordon (a local accountant) likes to self-identify. His preferred pronouns are ‘free’ and ‘dom’ (or ‘free’ and ‘as long as one of us is left standing’ or ‘there can be only one’).

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

Oh, it would appear that everybody on the train has burst into an impromptu sing along. A very Scottish tradition… and yes we can confirm that’s the less official Scots national anthem. The others being: · Proclaimers: 500 miles. · Bay City Rollers: Shang A Lang · Travis: Why Does it Always rain on me?

KILTS

We’re seeing quite a few kilts here. The Kilt gets its name from what happens to you if you call it a skirt. You get kilt’

SEAN CONNERY

We also have the first James Bond… Mr Sean Connery. He’s been telling everybody to ‘sit down’ which has resulted in several folks heading off to the toilets.

RANDOM MAN SWEARING AT HIMSELF

There’s a random man swearing at himself. We do believe that’s the mayor.

SHORTBREAD

We also have somebody kindly handing out some shortbread. Shortbread is essentially just butter, sugar, and flour. To some tastes it may be a little sweet, but to the Scots it’s a traditional savoury snack to be consumed before a curry.

HAGGIS

Oh and look at that! Somebody just threw a haggis! This is not actually an act of aggression. No, that means romance is in the air. Flinging the haggis is an act of Scottish affection. Haggis is very much like a hotdog but with a bad publicists. Some people don’t have the stomach for haggis. Especially sheep because that’s what it’s made of.

HIGHLAND FLING

And there’s a couple obviously having an affair. In Scotland this is known as a highland fling. There’s somebody doing the highland fling. A traditional Scottish dance involving putting your hands on your hips. A bit like the Time Warp but more camp.

A JEDI.

There’s a Jedi Knight. We all know Ewan McGregor now famously plays Ben Kenobi. Apparently, they’re thinking of crossing the character over into the Highlander movies. Because, as they say, there can be Obi Wan.

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

And right up the back there is the Loch Ness Monster. We’re aware you might not be able to see that but trust us it’s there.

GINGER HAIR/ SEE YOU JIMMY HAT.

And there’s somebody with a novelty see you Jimmy hat on. Oh no hang on a minute that’s Rory. That’s just what he looks like.

A PHONE

There’s somebody on the phone. As we know the phone was invented by Alexander Graham Bell. That’s what folks mean when they say I’ll give you a bell. It’s because of his name. We might have made that one up. It’s a good job his last name wasn’t Tossin. That might come off the wrong way.

A SCOTCH EGG

There’s somebody eating a Scotch Egg. A Scotch egg is an egg wrapped in savoury meat. And you can rest assured they have to breed a special type of chicken to pull that one off.

That’s all for now. Check back next week when I’ll NOT be talking about the Football World Cup and definitely, absolutely, won’t be cheering on England’s opponents… whoever they are.

Och aye the Coo!