By the BrawBand Coo

Apparently there is a football match happening soon that involves the Auld Enemy. But, as Scots, of course we’re not interested in that. So, this week the BrawBand Coo focuses on something completely unrelated.

Och aye the Coo! And welcome back to my weekly Coolumn. This week, for reasons that are completely unrelated to anything whatsoever, I’m outlining why I’ve suddenly developed a deep affection for the people of Iran.

It should be noted this article has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that England’s match against Iran in the World Cup will take place on November 21st.

As a team that is in Nation’s League A, there is no way I would ever pile on a poor country that is only in League B.

So, let’s all celebrate 10 things we love about Iran.

1.) They’re just like the Scots (Part 1): This may surprise you, but just like the Scots, a segment of the Iranian population have red hair. That’s right! They’re a bunch of Gingers. *Note to any visiting English folks reading this. If you find yourself chatting up a flame haired Scots beauty, do not ask them if they are a genuine red head. To prove it… they’ll probably just show you photos of their children.

2.) They’re just like the Scots (Part 2): In Iran people order order soft drinks by their colour and not by their flavour. We do exactly the same! In Glasgow you’ll never hear Irn Bru being asked for under its brand name, as everybody knows it is a bottle of ‘Ginger.’ Glasgow folks use this codeword so they can recognise outsiders among them.

3.) They ‘inspired’ Archie Gemmill to score the greatest goal in World Cup history: Of course we all know about the legendary goal scored by Archie against Holland in the 1978 World Cup. What we’re less keen to remember is that we drew with serious underdogs Iran in the same tournament. Worse still, Iran scored an own goal first and then went on to equalise against themselves.

4.) They’re just like the Scots (Part 3): The Scots speak ‘English’ but you’d be a brave man / absolute roaster if you were to ever call one of them English. That would, as the parlance goes, ‘rip their ‘nittin.’ You would indeed have to be ‘aff yer heid’ and your, ‘bum would be oot the windae.’ Iranians speak Persian but are also equally insulted if you refer to them as Persian. So please… Gonnae no’ dae that.

5.) They know the true potential of sheep: Scots have a complex relationship with sheep (get your mind out of the gutter!) Most obviously, we enjoy using the bits that others (English heathens) throw away to make our fantastic Haggis. Iranians use all the sheep’s bits too. The sheep’s head, in particular, is considered a delicacy.

6.) They could give us health tips: Things have really improved in Scotland when it comes to life expectancy; it’s currently 72 for men and 78 for women. Iran sits at a respectable 77yrs. But it’s not us we’re worried about. The lowest life expectancy in the UK is Blackpool at 55! Mind you if you live in Blackpool that’s probably enough.

7.) They have their own calendar: Iranian’s use their own calendar – a solar one – meaning that its time reckoning is based on the Earth’s movements around the Sun. Obviously such a calendar in Scotland would be totally baffling. Most of us believe the sun is some mythical entity created by the English to make us feel sad.

8.) They are very polite (they’re just like the Scots – part 4): In Iran they have the unique culture of Taarof. Taarof is a social principle where people tend to be really, really polite. In Iran it is always polite to refuse offers of food and drink, but they will keep insisting until you have some. This is every Scottish granny ever! Scots are genuinely polite to a fault. Yes, we may headbutt you in the face… but we will also hold open the doors as they wheel you into accident and emergency.

9.) They invented eBay: Iranian-American entrepreneur Pierre Omidyar did indeed invent eBay, and there’s no way we would have got through the pandemic without it. Who knows when you’re going to need such essentials as a ghost in a jar, Britney Spears’s nasal hair, an unassembled snowman, or a suit of armour for your guinea pig. But thank the Lord eBay is there for when we do.

10. ) They are one of the world’s oldest civilisations (they’re just like the Scots – part 5): Iran has been home to settlements and civilizations dating as far back as 4000 BC. Ancient Scots known as the Beaker people also date back to the same period. Beaker people are so named because they were buried holding small drinking receptacles. How Scottish is that! Dead, and they still couldn’t get the drink out of their hands.

So, there you go. That’s my summary of reasons why, completely unrelated to anything whatsoever, we – the Scots – should all be supporting Iran in any hypothetical matches they may be playing in any hypothetical football tournaments in the near future.

Check back next week when I’ll be revealing a genuine Scottish hero for the times we find ourselves in. And, no, English people. It’s not Mel Gibson.

Och aye the Coo!