The hero we need in these times 

The hero we need in these times 

By the BrawBand Coo

In this week’s Coolumn, the BrawBand Coo reveals the Scotsman we should all be following into battle. And no, English people, we’re not talking about Mel Gibson.

Och aye the Coo! And welcome back to my weekly Coolumn – an opportunity for me – the BrawBand Coo – to celebrate the Scottish internet.

This week… well, we’ve all been there. One minute you’re out for an early morning stroll through the tranquil streets of Edinburgh, and the next you’re going, ‘You know what… I fancy a square go with an inanimate object.

What an amazing specimen this man is! He has all the wit of Muhammed Ali, the grace of Sugar Ray Leonard, and the brains of Mike Tyson.

Our hero in this story is taking things to truly heroic Scottish standards when he chose to fight a Spaces for People bollard.

For those that may not know, these bollards were introduced during the pandemic to make pavement space wider so that folks could have better social distancing. To be more affective we reckon they should have stuck a phoatie of Wayne Rooney on each of them and folk would have kept miles away! Ahm not sure if it’s true, but I did hear a rumour that the entire world faked the pandemic just so he would wear a mask.

Weirdly, this isn’t the first time a Scot has got into a scrap with a member of the ‘I am not organic and therefore not really worth fighting’ community.

Take the young Scot in this article. This laddie famously went on a rampage that ended with him headbutting A BUS! Even the Sheriff in the case referred to him as ‘a complete radge’. This is probably the most Scottish judgement ever handed out by a court. “Dear sir, thou art a complete radge. Take him down for sentencing.”

Of course, the Scots have a well-deserved reputation for being hardy in battle. It’s actually an unofficial tradition in times of war that the Scots Guards be the first regiment to go into a battle. This is a tactical move, designed by English officers, known as ‘Operation hide behind the Scottish people.’

I suppose having a connection to an inanimate object isn’t that unusual when you think about it. It’s true that some people out there have more err.. cherished relationships with inanimate objects, and of course, all the staff in accident and emergency absolutely believe you when you say you ‘Fell and landed on Henry the Hoover’s nose’

Perhaps this is just another shining example of why it’s the people that make Scotland. I’m not entirely sure what it is they make it into… but for one thing, it’s never ever boring.

Join me again next week when I’ll be looking at the story of when an entire region of the Highlands went to war over a lump of cheese. Ahm no even making that up! Check the link.

Beam me up Scotty, and och aye the Coo.